Proceed with Caution

Many times I have told others that my blog is rated PG-13. Now is one of those times. I'm going to talk about things going on with my body that might be gross. Consider yourself warned.

So I've been getting nosebleeds since I've been on Avastin which has been several months now, maybe even a year or so. This really sucks. I actually have a nosebleed right now all crammed with tissue while I type this. Avastin was in the news as the company that makes it has not proven overall survival rate in metastatic breast cancer survivors so the FDA will be removing its approval. If this happens, hospitals won't administer the drug and insurance companies won't pay for it. This is disturbing because my doctors and I believe it is part of the treatment keeping tumors out of my brain. They have been going ahead and giving it to me for now, until someone tells them differently.

Nosebleeds all day long really suck. So then I wonder why in the hell am I on this shit if it's not helping and I want to get off.

Avastin also delays wound healing so we actually just skipped a dose while the holey heals. The holey will probably take several months to heal so I think we should take a break from Avastin for awhile. The doctor's office wants me to call every time I'm about to have chemo to discuss. What a drag. I'll do it though.

Avastin also causes blood in the urine. I had a large amount of blood in my urine sample a few weeks ago and the doctors have run two urine cultures since and both came back negative so the doctor's office told me not to worry, it's just a side effect of Avastin. But this weekend, it got worse. Every time I peed the toilet was dark, deep red. I am totally freaked out. I don't have any pain though, so it's confusing. I'm feeling more run down then usual, so it could be some sort of infection, who knows. They took another sample today, are growing another culture and referred me to a urologist. Lucky urologist only works on Fridays so I have to wait until Friday all freaked out. Or beyond that for whatever tests they want to do and wait all freaked out for that.

And now there is random shit popping up. My chest hurts so much from the holey that I can feel the pain shooting up my nerves into my neck. And my neck and shoulders are hurting again but I'm not going back to that horrible physical therapist. And my lower back hurts. And today I was doubled over in pain from constipation, but don't worry, that only lasts for about a day then all the poop pushes itself out in very painful and bloody bowel movements. Fun, huh? This is my pattern, get diarrhea, take pills and be constipated for a few days until my insides feel like they are literally bursting out through pile of razor blades in my ass.

Also, now my front tooth is discolored. All of sudden. Brown tooth! From the meds. Doctors don't care, it's just part of the "cancer journey." Well, fuck it all, I am so sick of this bullshit.

I'm just telling it like it really is so you'll know the real answer to "how are you feeling?" It's just too gross to tell you the truth in person. This is truly how I'm doing. Navigating these bullshit side effects and pain every day. But I will not let cancer win or get the best of me. I'm fighting this at every turn with energy medicine healing sessions and good times with family and friends in between the crap. There is no way it can win! Thank you for the support that helps me believe that every day!

Holey piece of shit, Batman!

Holey has taken over the spotlight in my cancer fight for now. About a week ago, the nurses of wound care suctioned it out with a vaccuum. Yummy yum yum. Holey has been very angry since. They say it is healing well and that I am doing well, but my chest feels like someone is stabbing me. Yes, I have pain meds. No, I don't like to take them. I am already on so many meds and Advil does seem to take the edge off a bit, so it's fine. For now.

The nurses say I will do the suction thing several more times. They are trying to move the inside of the hole from a yellow, pussey place to a bloody, beefy place (direct quote from the nurse). It needs to be more vascular and guess what that means kids. Vascular = painful! But hey, that's all part of the healing process. We bloody the shit up and then it can scab over and heal. It cannot happen fast enough for me. That fucking lumpy has taunted me for several months now and now he taunts me from the great beyond. Piece of shit lump. Bullshit.

That's right, the bullshit train is still running on the tracks with no scheduled stops. I frequently think about how I can get off this ride and still be alive and well. Can I ask the doctor to take a few months off of chemo to try to get my body back? I need strength and I actually miss the girth I had which made this fight easier. Maybe I should go on tour talking to girls about their weight. Don't worry, ladies, you may get a form of advanced cancer and then you'll wish you had that fat ass, believe me. Well, I'm not sure many people would show up for that tour, even if I'd be sure to serve all the doughnuts and pie you could eat. Mmmmm....

I had a PT scan but it was considered a baseline PT scan since the last one I had was in 2007. I've gotten CT scans this whole time and why the doctor now wants to switch to PT scans, I just don't know. So, we can't really check in on how the cancer is going away until the next scan in 3 months or so. Hey, don't ask me. I just show up where they tell me at this point.

I'm trying to stay warm with the Florida cold snaps. Brrrr... you people with your snow think you have problems. Try 65 degrees! It sucks! Hahahahahahahaha!!! I am so glad I live in Florida. I imagine trying to go to treatment with all that snow and crap--no thank you!

I'm resting a lot now that I've taken the break from work. I have no idea how I was working and doing treatment. Resting really has become my full-time job. Transitioning back to work will be interesting after the break, but I'm not thinking about that. Now I'm just worried about how much I'm eating and when to take my next nap. Ahhhhhhhhh......

Love to you all!

Holey Holey Holey!!!

I've been feeling much better and although I don't eat much at meals, I have been eating better and keeping food down. I saw the doctor two days ago and she said I looked stronger than she has seen me in a long time. So things are moving right along.

I am grateful for all that radiation to be finished and now I am back to a somewhat "normal" chemo routine of chemo every other Wednesday. I really enjoy the weeks off from going to the hospital, let me tell you.

Being off of work is very strange. I miss the people in the office terribly but my body feels completely stress free with not thinking of what needs to be done in the office. I can take several naps a day if I want and I have been doing so happily. It feels like that part in Forrest Gump when Jenny comes home and sleeps and sleeps for days. I didn't realize how much sleep and rest I wasn't getting before now. Yoda dog is over the moon because I'm home all the time and naps around with me. He looks so betrayed if I leave to go anywhere, like his face is saying, "hey, I thought we were in this together. Where do you think you're going?" I know I made the right decision to take a break from work. Sometimes I'm bored, but I have plenty to do around the house. Heck, I haven't even taken down the Christmas tree yet. :-) It's like I'm waiting to make sure I will have something to do or some weird thing like that.

Two more ladies passed away from our stage IV support group and one more is having all kinds of scary problems with her liver right now. There are 3 of us left from the original group-her, me and Marcia. We're freaked out but we call each other and support each other as much as we can. It is totally bizarre in a way I really can't explain. You don't want to waste your somewhat "healthy" days on worrying if the things that are happening to them are going to happen to you. Every day is God's gift and it's important not to squander them or feel guilty because those horrible things aren't happening to you. There is a reason for everything and I feel so blessed to be doing better and to have known these women. I'm so grateful that they came into my life at all. Cancer did that.

So, I wish that were all I had to report. Today I checked in at the wound care clinic. They have been monitoring lumpy on my chest for a few months now. I have watched lumpy miraculously dissolve and go completely flat. But there has been a nickel size pus scab in the center of where lumpy was located for weeks which we've been keeping covered and putting medicine on. Well, today, the nurses took the pus scab off the top. Then they squeezed the circle and oozed all the pus out of the circle. They were very excited and encouraged that all the pus and crapola came out of the circle. Guess what remains in the circle? Nothing!!! It is a big gaping hole in my chest!

No, I'm not exaggerating people, which I know I tend to do. There is a hole in my chest that you could stick your thumb down into. It reminds me of the anti-smoking commercial that aired years ago of the old woman smoking a cigarette out of the perfect hole in her chest. I was completely freaked out when they showed me and started to cry. These nurses have gotten to know me very well over our time together and they just hugged me and said it wasn't so bad and that it was a really good sign. Then they gave me stuff to pack the wound so the inside could heal without the hole closing up. I was alone today and I'm supposed to show Richard how to do it without vomiting. So we'll see how that goes. I just have to remind myself it's a superficial wound and no organs are going to pop out and ooze out of the hole. Yum.

So that's my bizarro update for now. Love to you who still read these posts.

Muchos Smoochos!

Happy Everything to All!!

It's Christmas Eve, friends, and I am grateful to spend another Christmas with friends and family; and the chance to be grateful and thank all of you for your continued support.

The last few months and several weeks have been up and down. Every day is a cancer adventure and I don't mean adventure in a good way. Every time I put food in my mouth, I'm not sure if it will come back up or not. It's been quite the challenge to get ready for Christmas with all the shopping and running around when I only have energy to maybe visit one store a day and then have to come home and take a nap. But I did it! All is ready for Christmas, hooray!!! It took the help of my mom and my friend, Theresa, helping decorate our tree. It took a lot of help from Richard around the house to conserve my energy and do some of the running around. It took some help from free shipping offers on the internet, but it's true----you aren't helpless if you have cancer and feel like sitting on the couch all day, especially if you have an amazing support team like I do. I am so lucky.

I had a brain MRI and it came back negative--no new tumors. Yay for an empty brain! We will check in on the brain again in 2 months which is our schedule.

The scans that will show the rest of the body (CT, bone, echocardiogram) will be in February. The doctor wanted to put some distance between the radiation and the scans so there would be no false readings. The last CT said my lungs were clear. The last bone scan showed the spots on my spine and sternum that we just radiated, so those spots should be stable now. That leaves the pesky little liver, but the last CT showed that the cancer went down on my liver. Hopefully, it will have gone down even more and everything else is still stable.

My hair is slowly coming out in little handfuls on my pillow and in the shower but you can't really tell yet, unless you visit my shower where all the hair piles up like a nasty little chihuahua.

It has taken me almost 4 years of treatment to get this beaten down by the side effects and medicine so that might mean something like I'm a bit of a bad ass still. I hope. Having such a rough time has put some things in to perspective regarding taking of myself and my family vs. work, even if it's working from home. So, starting January 3rd, I am taking an official leave of absence/short term disability from work. My new job will be taking care of myself full-time. I hope that will leave more energy to give to my family.

I am a bit nervous about how I will spend my days, although if recent days are any indication, it will be lots of napping with my fuzzy snuggly dog, Yoda, and playing roulette to see what food might actually stay down. I am looking forward to the break, though, and just thinking about myself, which I never do. I've set up a weekly standing appointment with energy medicine/massage with the fabulous ladies at Massage Solutions on Corinne Drive. They really are amazing and have helped me tremendously.

I am also starting to look at yoga schedules to see if I can start that. Perhaps that will help my muscles relax and pull me into the right posture that I've been destroying my whole life with my hunching forward. Sanctuary!!!

I don't like the physical therapist I've been seeing so I won't be back to her after next week. She does trigger point therapy which basically means she squeezes the shit out my muscle until it releases. Quite frankly, I've had enough. I'm returning to the good old fashioned get in touch with your body and breathe technique. Let's see what the hippies know.

I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas. I am grateful for you and your support and the fact that you even bother reading my little ol' blog. I love love love you!

Laura

Hit Her Again!!

Friends, I'm going to be straight with you. These last 2 months have been the hardest for me since my entire time in treatment. Especially the last 2-3 weeks.

I'll give you some highlights. Lumpy is finished being radiated but it still oozes and pusses out every day. They said it might take a few more months to heal completely. What on earth? It hurts and I have a huge bandage across my chest daily. It is uncomfortable and hard to sleep. Boy, how I hate Lumpy. I just want to wear v-necks again without having a 3rd boob. Is that so wrong?

The pain coming out of my neck and down my arm has been somewhat manageable with the help of oxycontin once every 12 hours. The doctor says I'll have to manage with pain meds forever because my only other option is surgery. I say nay nay! Last year at this time when the temperature turned a bit colder I had that awful pain in my right hip and couldn't walk for several weeks, in some old country store weather prediction kind of system. That totally went away and hasn't been back, so you never know. This arm pain is also coinciding with the cold weather. I asked my energy medicine person who recommended a physical therapist. After getting a script from my doctor and several calls to their office (also part of ORMC) I am scheduled to see them at 10 AM tomorrow. Perhaps I can get some exercises that will help with the pain. I am not allowed to do any adjustments or see a chiropractor, by order of my doctor and my husband who is very vehement against chiropractors. Fine with me. I just need some help. Between Lumpy and my whole right side, my sleeping options are narrowed to only one position.

So I've been sleeping on my back, but after awhile the sacrum area gets sore and I need to twist a little in the night to offer some relief. The side effects from my spine radiation have been a burnt esophagus and truckloads and truckloads of phlegm after the radiation beamed on the area of my lungs that produces phlegm. For 2 weeks now I have taken the better part of each morning, throwing up huge bubbles, and dare I say it to gross you out, thick strings of phlegm. It is choking and disgusting and completely exhausting. Sleeping on my back makes the phlegm pool in my throat so that when I wake up and stand up to start my day, the real fun in the bathroom begins. I guess I can say that at least my stepson will grow up pretty used to disgusting things and not wussy about it. I am mortified, of course, every time I know he hears me.

Before PhlegmFest 2010, I already wasn't eating and keeping food down at all. The gobs of phlegm serve as barriers to sending food down and the burnt throat make it really hard to swallow, prolonging the problem eating. I've lost more weight and nobody is happy about that. So they gave me this stuff called "magic mouthwash." Magic for who exactly? It is a pink combination of lidocaine (the numbing stuff you get at the dentist), benadryl, and maalox. You swish it in your mouth and then you swallow it. It's nasty, but it numbs your tongue and throat so you are able to take your pills and eat. The last few days I have been eating better, a few bites here and there and able to keep things down. I've even been able to take my pills without too many problems. The good news is that I do seem to get better, with less phlegm, every day.

It's been really hard because all of these things happen at once which makes them seem completely insurmountable. Is that the word I want? I know I can do it and that God is with me and I have an amazing support team and I just have to shoulder on. But damn, I need a fucking break. How much more suffering do I need to overcome to show everyone what God wants me to show them? I am a walking miracle and I am grateful for every moment that I am given and I talk about it with anyone who will listen. Apparently when I recap from the beginning, I've gone through a lot more then most. I'm not sure why but I'm here and I'll keep being thankful for all of life's wonderful gifts. This suffering makes those gifts shine pretty brightly and it does make me want to scream when I see people missing something so wonderful that is right in front of them.

Thanksgiving was small and very nice. Mom and I spent the night at John's house and then Richard joined us later. After about a half hour of phlegmmy fun, we watched the Macy's parade and had a lovely dinner. I was able to have a few bites of turkey that day and some mashed potatoes. My friend, Jennie, came to visit me from New York. She came in on Friday and left on Monday morning. I was worried that I felt so bad and wouldn't be able to do anything fun but she was OK with sitting on the couch all day with me. She is an amazing friend (and thankfully has a nurse for a mom so she wasn't grossed out). It was a tremendous pick me up and turned out to be lots of quality time together. I really needed that.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you a story of incompetence. What fun! The week before Thanksgiving, I had my 3rd allergic reaction to Carboplatin so they are officially taking me off of that chemotherapy. The 1st two reactions weren't textbook so they weren't sure, but by the 3rd time I was vomiting and covered in hives so it's got to go, even though it was working pretty damn well. That Wed. my hemoglobin was low so they took the type/cross and set me up to get a blood transfusion the next day.

Thursday I got a call that there were no beds available at MD Anderson or ORMC but that I could go to Lucerne (2 blocks away, part of ORMC) and get blood in the inpatient area. Since it's part of the same hospital system, I thought all would be well. Hardy har har.

We arrived after my spine radiation about 1:00pm. The visit started off delightfully because the gift shop was having a $5 fabulous jewelry sale and we bought a couple Christmas presents. Fun! The administrator went through the paperwork and officially admitted me and then walked us out through a ridiculous maze that we never would have found our way through without him. He brought us to my room which had a little towel swan waiting for me like on the cruise ship. Cute. Cute. Cute. Then he left.

Apparently he didn't tell the nurses I was in the room. I had a gut feeling about it and after about 15 min. John went out and got our nurse who confirmed she had no idea I was there. My nurse during the day was named Vida and I found out later she was the charge nurse. You see what I did there? That sentence had two key pieces of information for you. That Vida is supposed to be the best nurse on the floor at the time and that we were there for a lot longer than need be-the day shift and night shift. We arrived around 1:00 PM and didn't get out until around 11:00 PM. Shameful.

I forgot to put the numbing cream on my port and they did not use the numbing spray, but she did call the pharmacy and order the spray for me which came as a prescription and now I own a bottle of useless numbing spray I will never use. She sprayed me but then didn't access the port right away, going through all of the medicines I am on and medical questions. When she got around to accessing my port (later I found out you have to access within 15 seconds of the spray) it was the most intense pain I have ever felt. She pushed the needle in slowly like she was doing fancy embroidery or something. When I winced and said "just stick it in quickly" she pulled back, said sorry, and pushed it in even slower. I've never had a nurse be so tentative with the port. Perhaps she needs more training as a port nurse, but remember, she was the charge nurse. Can you believe it?

The technician working with Vida was awesome. She ordered me some chicken fingers and fries from the cafeteria and who knew you could get such a thing. Now, admittedly, I was not feeling 100% myself. I had just been told the chemo that was working on the cancer was being taken away from me and needing a blood transfusion made me completely exhausted-not working on all gaskets. The poor woman came to deliver a boxed lunch to me and I kind of freaked out. I started crying since those boxed lunches make me so sick over at MDA. Apparently it was just to tide me over until the chicken fingers came later. When the same woman brought them later, I must have apologized a million times. They must have thought I was completely unstable. But I assure you, as a patient, I am very aware of how things should go down.

More time past and I was waiting for the blood to show up. Vida came in with some tubes and said it was time to do the type & cross. I said, no, we did it yesterday. She said they don't have it and it's not in the computer. I started crying because that was going to add all kinds of time to my transfusion day. Vida says it won't add that much time. I said, no, someone has the type & cross. She called the Lucerne blood bank and they didn't have it and I overheard her say, "the patient won't let me do the type & cross." I said, "wait, don't be ridiculous, of course you'll do it if you can't find it but someone has it. We did it yesterday specifically for this purpose." And then do you know that Vida had the nerve to tell me that they didn't do the type and cross on me yesterday. They just took blood to check my hemoglobin. Really? I went blow by blow retelling the blood taking, chemo, type & cross process and she still said I was wrong. Fascinating. Richard called Frenchy in Dr. Shah's office to complain.

Frenchy was pissed and knew we did the type & cross the day before. She called me directly and said they were wrong, they had the type & cross and the blood was on it's way to me at Lucerne. Since it only had 2 blocks to go, it should be there any minute. About 45 minutes later, Vida came in and said "your blood's here, but I had to eat." Then she disappeared for about 20 more minutes before bringing the 1st blood bag in. I guess no other nurse could have been asked to help me while she ate. Hey, as long as you eat, who cares about the patients?

I asked if I was getting Benadryl with the blood transfusion and she said no and that she never heard of someone getting benadryl with a transfusion. She said there was no order for it in the computer. I know, and have since confirmed, benadryl is always given with blood transfusions, just in case of an allergic reaction. It's given in the IV and acts very quickly to stop whatever adverse reaction is happening. So Vida says no benadryl, no benadryl. About halfway through the bag, I noticed I was starting to get a few itchy hives on my arms. I called Vida in to tell her I was having a reaction and probably needed the benadryl. She said she would call the doctor on call and be back. She left me, a patient having an allergic reaction, alone for 45 minutes! Then she walked back in with a benadryl pill my husband could have walked to Walgreens and gotten faster and said that's what the doctor on call ordered. I said "it's a good thing my throat didn't close up while you were gone" and she said "don't say that."

It was getting closer to 7:00 PM and she said the 2nd shift would be giving me the 2nd bag of blood. I have no idea why. So we sat there and 7:00 came and went. Around 7:45 PM we heard some movement out in the hall that seemed like a shift change. At that point I had been waiting for the 2nd bag of blood for an hour and a half. Richard went to the door to complain and ask what was happening. He heard the nurses talking and saying that I didn't even have a discharge order in the computer and wouldn't be allowed to leave after my transfusion. Wow, it's not in the computer so we can't do it. I'm sorry, Mrs. Goldstein. Going to the bathroom is not in the computer so we can't let you do that either.

Richard asked if we could get the 2nd bag of blood and told them we had been waiting a long time. Our new nurse, Idia, (also the charge nurse) said they were getting the report and we'd just have to wait. Richard said we've been waiting an hour and a half and we need some damn help over here. Idia got all flustered and told him not to be disrespectful to her and that she wasn't going to deal with him talking to her like that. I said, wait a second. He didn't cuss at you, he cussed at the situation. And you're offended by the word damn? Are you kidding me? He didn't call you any names. She left the room.

The new tech came in and was also awesome. The techs totally rock. We told her what was happening and she said she'd just go get that 2nd bag of blood for us. Idia came back in still flustered and mad and talking to us. I told Idia let's talk this out so everyone can feel ok. I don't think my husband cussed at you and we have been waiting a long time and are pretty frustrated. I'm sure you know how to deal with upset patients. We heard her on the phone getting the discharge order from the on-call doctor and by the time she came back in our room, her demeanor had completely changed from shitty nurse to really nice nurse. She even admitted to us that Vida said she could have started the 2nd bag of blood for us. Hmmmm?

Eventually I got the 2nd bag of blood. Idia ended up wheeling us out in a wheelchair around 11:oo PM. She apologized a lot and was super nice. We had already done some major shuffling for my mom to pick up Jake and whatnot and I was completely exhausted. As much energy as I need and get from the blood transfusion, I'm not sure ever going back to Lucerne will be worth it. All of that happening with the other side effects at once. Boy oh boy, I didn't need that.

Today I am starting a new to me chemotherapy called Abraxane. I most definitely will lose my hair but other than that it should be tolerable. It is every other week and not every week so as to give me a little bitty break from coming to the hospital all the time. It is in the taxatere family which is the same as Taxol, the very 1st chemo I ever got. That worked pretty well for about 6 months. Hope this one is tolerable and lasts longer. Put me in remission please? I want N.E.D. No Evidence of Disease!

Hannukah starts tonight and lasts 8 crazy nights, as Adam Sandler says. It is so exciting to see Jake with the candles and presents every night. Afterward, I'm definitely putting the tree up this year if I can get friends to come over and help me, which should be no problem. We need a little Christmas, right this very minute.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting. Hoping that 2011 will bring the miracle of total healing. For now, I'll continue to fight like I'm the Whack-A-Mole game. The cancer pops up in one part of the body and we smack it. Then it pops up in another part of the body and we smack it again! That mallot sure does hurt, but I'm in it to win it. :-)

Love you all!

Laura

What's up friends of Cancercopia? Unfortunately, there is a lot up with me since that last post.

I'm happy to report that the evil lumpy's radiation is complete. It was relatively easy but burned the shit out of my skin. The lump itself today is about 1/4 what it once was so there is progress. The last 2 weeks it has grown even more grotesque as it continues to cook while I am away from the hospital. Ah, yes, I continue my reign as the craziest walking science project you know. Who could challenge me? Muh ha ha!

You can feel the warmth emanating from my sternum as it hopefully fries up some crispy cancer ass. Beginning yesterday, we have some new additions to this saga. Oozing, bleeding blisters. Mmmmm.... I hope you're not reading this over breaky. Today's count was about 5 blisters opened up with puss and bloody goooo---actually there were about 3 yesterday, just in time for a real life Halloween display. Candy anyone?

Apparently, these oozing open sores are a good thing. The nurse told us to expect them and that they were a very good thing. Apparently my body is rejecting and ejecting the evil. Go body go! I am happy to go through this knowing it will pass and all be better after awhile, but let me tell you friends, my chest hurts like a mother trucker. Wowzah. The strain on my chest muscles has moved into my right shoulder and up my neck and pain shoots down my right arm. Not to mention the pure pain from the raw open flesh wound you can't take your eyes off of if you're looking at me full frontal. Don't worry, I've resorted to neosporin and bandages to cover it so you don't have to look away. I'm not an animal!!

I've been struggling with my own stubbornness and refusing to take anything for pain stronger than Advil... uh, make that several Advil a day. Which means I've been in bed in pain a lot.

Yesterday I was in so much pain, my husband asked if he should call the oncologist on-call. I said, no because all he's going to do is prescribe some constipation inducing pain meds that make me completely blotto. About 10 minutes later I realized I might pass out from the pain, so we decided to call the doc. Wait! We didn't need to! We remembered I already had some pain meds. After 3 1/2 years of treatment, I don't even know which meds I have anymore or don't. Bullseye! Hydrocodone!! Substitute for Vicadin!

The rest of my blog will be dedicated to my new friend, Hydrocodone. Wow, what a difference. My corked ass be damned, it really helps with the pain. Cancer survivors out there you know what I'm talking about with the constipation vs. diarrhea dilemma but right now I just need a bit of relief. I was walking around doing things around the house... sat up and ate something... the magic magic beans of blocking pain receptacles. Aaahhhhh....

October was a tough month. While radiating lumpy, I had to get a blood transfusion for energy. It was a transfusion I requested and made a world of difference. Major thanks to anyone out there that donates blood. It is really important. The day I got the transfusion, EVERYTHING, went wrong to get there so imagine something written here that's really funny and annoyed from that experience. I'm just too tired to go back, so I'll just try to catch you up moving forward.

I do have to pause and let you know that when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong. (nobody puts Baby in the corner) Dr. Ramakrishna is totally personable and awesome these days. He is an absolute joy to talk to, and I'm not even being sarcastic. Dr. Shah gave me some insight that made sense on why he delivers a lot of the medical information to my husband instead of me. She said he deals with a lot of brain tumor patients that can't remember or retain anything so he is used to giving the information to the caregivers. Aha! That makes sense. Also, I am really liking that nurse, Heidi, whom I reamed several blog entries ago. You know, you spend a lot of time with these people and see what they deal with on a daily basis, and I don't know, I have new respect and love for Heidi. There, I said it.

Amazing news: I had a brain scan since last we met and there is nothing active in my brain!! Brain is stable. Hooray, no brain tumors to worry about. Hooty hoot hoot!!!

Same scan--the spine looked worse so I started spine radiation today. 15 treatments-yuck. I could win awards for lying still on treatment and diagnostic machines should there be an award show for cancer survivors-oh so many awards. What would that award show be called anyway? The CancerSucksies? The Nobody's Choice Awards? It would be the longest telecast ever because each celebrity would proselytize about whatever cancer cause they picked. Did you know you could get cancer in your earlobes? How horrible to not be able to accessorize! Let's help those people!

Ok, back to me. I've been ridiculously fatigued and COLD everywhere I go. I've been off of Carboplatin for 3 weeks because my platelets have been too low to get it. This Wednesday I should get it for sure. It serves as a little poisonous security blanket and I do get nervous when we skip a week. Then again, my body is going through so much with this pain and radiation I am happy for the break.

Next CT/echo/bone scans will be in December, along with another brain MRI. I've got to get through the next 3 weeks of radiation, just in time for Hanukkah which starts Dec. 1st! Oh my! Then the scans and Christmas with my family. Maybe I can sleep in 2011.

Thanks for reading. Love you all!! Muchos smoochos!!

Radiation Begins!

I am in the middle of getting 10 radiation treatments for the evil lumpy on my chest. I get 4 days of electron therapy and then 1 day of photon therapy which goes deeper into the tumor, for total coverage. I'm not supposed to have any side effects, other than burned skin, like a really bad sunburn. I've only had 2 treatments and I can definitely feel the heat on my skin. I'm trying to put aloe on it and hope the burns won't be that bad.

Dr. Ramakrishna is in charge of setting up my treatment plan and blasting this thing. Within the walls of the office, Dr. Ramakrishna is all business and doesn't have the warm and fuzziest bedside manor. That is fine, though, because he is the best and as long as he helps save my life, we are all good. Well, this last doctor's appointment, there was a bit of a shift.

At some of my hospital visits, there is a form that I have to fill out over and over again. It's the form with the outline of a body on it where you are supposed to circle the part of your body that hurts. Well, I usually take those forms as an opportunity to show that I am a real person and not just a number, so I draw ridiculous faces on the heads and add flowers or balloons or whatnot.

For Dr. Ramakrishna's appointment, I drew a hideous lump coming out of my chest and a happy face on the head. I added a talk box saying that I was in pain and needed his help. Then I added flowers in the hands of my person. Nobody took the form during our visit, but apparently the doctor saw it later.

When I showed up last Monday for the scan/simulation of the tumor, the doctor came running over to me all smiley. He said he was sorry he didn't take my form at the time but he really appreciated my picture and thought it was "communicative." Heh heh. I'll say. He kept going on about how creative I was and was so friendly and laughing. I had never seen this doctor act like that before.

But here he was, totally friendly and charismatic. I guess art, no matter how much it looks like a three year old drew it, brings people together. I am so surprised and glad to be able to have gotten his attention like that. It's fun to see him let his hair down and laugh a bit.

Eight more radiation treatments to go. Die lumpy die!!!