Is 3rd Time The Charm?

Here is the halo picture from brain radiation # 2 on February 8. This treatment involved two tumors. I started at 5:30 AM and the actual procedure took place around 3:30 PM.

Two days after the brain radiation, I had my regularly scheduled chemotherapy appointment. This turns out to have been a mistake. # 2 took weeks for me to get my energy back and was a lot harder to get over than #1. I will not make that mistake again.

So, we got the MRI results from #2. There is a new tumor that has popped up. It was on the previous MRI but at the time, it was only 2-3mm and too small to treat in #2. In the 6 weeks while we waited, the little tumor fucker grew to 8mm and now is big enough to treat.

Dr. Bobustic suggested we wait and watch and add Avastin back into my chemotheraphy regimen. Dr. Ramakrishna suggested we treat again for # 3 and zap the fucker. I cried hysterically because I did not want to do this procedure again. Not to mention that I felt like I was in the middle of my personal pissing contest between the doctors. We showed up at Dr. Shah's office for a 3rd piece of advice but she was in Mexico. A well deserved vacay, but not helpful in the moment. Frenchy, her nurse, contacted the oncologist on call, Dr. Baitas, who agreed that I should go for radiation # 3. Apparently, if the tumor keeps growing, we might miss our window of opportunity to be able to treat it.

# 3 is scheduled for Monday. I am completely terrified. It feels like I'm being dragged into a vicious cycle. Tumors popping up .... more treatment... when does it end? Do I have to do this shit over and over again?

I really don't want to wear the halo again and #2 was so crappy in the recovery. Again, I've lost my mojo. I keep crying randomly and I'm utterly exhausted. I'm thankful that they have the technology to zap these fuckers but I am so very tired of challenge after challenge.

I've also figured out that one reason I'm dreading # 3 is that Dr. Ramakrishna's nurse, Heidi, is completely agitating. She is probably the only nurse I have ever met that has no empathy whatsoever. I tried to talk to her 3-4 times about the longer recovery time and that my head was numb for over a week when it should have worn off after a few hours. She has been nothing but argumentative, dismissive and condescending. When I told her that I am the patient and I'm trying to give her feedback and she completely blew me off. Added to this is that when we met with Dr. Ramakrishna he was very eager to know why #2 was harder to recover from than #1 and wanted to talk about how to make it better. Obviously, his nurse never gave him the feedback that I was having a hard time with the recovery.

I've been completely agitated by this nurse and then I realized something. Hey! I'm the patient! I have rights and I don't have to deal with staff that stresses me out. So, on Monday, after we check in at the ass crack of dawn, I will communicate with the staff that I do not want Heidi in the room when the halo comes off. I also will ask if there is ANYONE else that can be my point person if I have a problem after # 3.

On top of the stress of # 3, I had an abnormal pap smear and have to go in on April 12 for a follow-up. Sorry if that weirds out any guys reading this. This happens to lots of women and is pretty common, but I'm having a hard time keeping it together and not worrying that they are looking for cervical cancer on top of everything else. Just breathe. I'm sure it will be nothing. Later that week, my three month scans will take place. We'll meet with Dr. Shah on April 21st for the results. At least we have that to look forward to since the tumor marker numbers dropping is a good indication that the Gemzar is working.

I just need my brain to be stable again. And well, remission would be fantastic.

Please pray and send positive thoughts which will help me get through the next 3 weeks. I know I can get through it with your support. Thank you for everything!