Going Up?

So I'm cruising along, doing my thang, bothering no one. I was just trying to enjoy the news that I have a normal brain. The cancer experience (remember I hate the term "cancer journey") is one intricate roller coaster-up and down, up and down. It is part of the treatment (remember, I hate the term "new normal") that sometimes you get good reports and sometimes you get bad reports, but you keep on going the best you can. Mostly because you have no other choice.

So, I'm floating along on my little cloud of clean brain mri happiness, when all of a sudden, my tumor markers didn't feel like they were getting enough attention. They have jumped from the 35-40 range to around 250. This is a significant, scary jump, people. Watching those numbers go down over the last 2 years has provided a steady stream of joy. So when the doctor brought in a graph showing this horrible upturn, I was pretty shaken up. And pissed off, quite frankly.

The tumor marker tests is an indicator of whether or not the current chemo treatment is working. So how does the cancer go away in the brain and the tumor markers jump up so much? Can anyone explain this crazy f***ing cancer beast? But wait-don't get ahead of yourself. The tumor marker tests are not an exact science and are used simply as a red flag. So, this week I will have a CT scan and a bone scan to get the real verdict on what's going on in there. I will get the results next week. More waiting and wondering.

I'm supposed to enjoy myself now and over the Labor Day weekend, as this should be a high energy non-chemo week for me. I'm supposed to not worry about my tumor markers until I get the results from the scans. I'm supposed to take it all in stride and if the cancer is progressing, we'll just try something else-I should be used to this by now. I wish my logical brain would talk to the fear and anxiety and tell it to simmer it's shit down. For now I'll just bounce between peace, fear, anger, annoyance, empowerment, weakness, all of it. Cocktails are in order!! Will that make you happy, liver?