Waiting for Side Effects

So, now we wait. I got an infusion of the new medicine, Navilbine, this morning. It was much shorter than the old one, but I'll have to get them more frequently. So far so good. I slept for a bit afterwards, but don't have the feeling that I was run over by a truck like I used to. So that's good.

It will be 3 weeks on, 1 week off-what a pain in the ass to try to plan things around. But I'm glad I'm still here and able to do things, don't get me wrong.

The waiting to see how the medicine affects your body and your emotions is one of the worst parts about "the cancer journey". Did I ever mention that I hate when people call it "the cancer journey". Really? Journey? Like self discovery and personal growth and all that shit? Yes, it happens but it doesn't feel as pure and spiritual when the journey was not your choice. Cancer---go journey with someone that deserves it--someone in jail for messing with little kids or someone who hacks into emails because they really could use some chemo distraction to fill the void.

Journey shmourney. Cancer's a trip!

Smooches!
Laura

Stupid Liver

Apparently, my liver is not on board with the gameplan. My liver does not realize that I am kind of a bad ass. My liver does not appreciate that the cancer is shrinking in EVERY other area of my body except there. My liver is a stubborn ass.

The brilliant, non-committal, too much of a wuss to make a decision because they are so afraid to get sued radiologist put in my CT results that instead of the two remaining lesions (that word's my favorite), there are multiple lesions. And the largest of the two previous lesions has grown an entire centimeter. Just what does multiple mean? No one can tell you. Multiple means more than one. Could be 3, could be 15, could even be 50. Lesions, lesions, lesions.

So, tomorrow I will start a new IV chemo and get off the Ironitican (yay!). Navilbene is what I start tomorrow and I will be going once a week for infusions for 3 weeks on, then have one week off. They think the side effects will be less than this last one, but we'll see. I should definitely experience fatigue and maybe hair loss again, but that depends on who you ask. When I ask each of the nurses and then the doctor, I get 3 different opinions on what will happen to my hair. It's like a mini-adventure.

So, being stable for 8 months on Ironitican/Avastin/Zometa/Tykerb combo was a very good run. Now we are looking for the same stability with Navilbene/Avastin/Zometa/Tykerb.

Lesions.

Damn you lesions!!!

Yes, sometimes I am not cheerful

The last 4 or 5 scans have been amazing! The cancer is shrinking and I am a walking miracle. They moved my schedule to chemo every 3 weeks instead of every 2 weeks which has been super awesome fantastic. I can't even tell you how great having an extra week of energy has been and how lucky I feel.

Which brings me to today.

I had a CT scan last Monday. I'm supposed to meet with Dr. Shah on Tuesday, June 16th for the results. Regularly scheduled chemo is June 17th but my doctor and I have been entertaining the thought that if this CT scan is the same good news, perhaps we could do chemo every 4 weeks. I've been praying and hoping and clinging to this! I was sure this was going to happen, people. I felt it in my soul that it was going to happen. But alas, it's not happenin'.

My boss approached me about doing a pretty big project next week and I wasn't sure I could commit with the upcoming doctor's visit and potential chemo day. So, I called yesterday to try to get my CT scans early, expecting it to be the same news it's been for months. I asked if I could skip the appointment (they are usually quick anyway) and get the news over the phone. Still sure the news was good.

Jeanie, a nurse I have never spoken to that was covering for my regular nurse, called me to say that Dr. Shah would like me to keep my doctor's appointment on Tuesday because ... and I quote ... "the lungs look better but the liver looks worse." But then Jeanie could not tell me anything else and told me that I had to talk to Dr. Shah on Tuesday. I quietly got off the phone and cried.

Then I called back and left a message asking if I could go in today for the results rather than wait until Tuesday. Then the amazing and wonderful Natalia called me back. She is Dr. Shah's medical assistant that I've known for quite some time. She had overheard Jeanie calling me and knew she was the one that needed to call me back.

Natalia said that Dr. Shah is out of town both days and that I have to wait until Tuesday to see her. She said that yes, that was how the scan went, but not to worry because Dr. Shah would have a plan. She called it a minor setback and encouraged me to try to have a little fun this weekend to keep my mind off of it for now.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm working and I have to work this Sunday. I'm battling to push the dark thoughts and fears out and sometimes that goes moment by moment. It doesn't help that we lost 2 women in my Mets support group this past week. Crappy timing for a bad scan.

But hey-I'm not in charge and never have been. I'm a walking miracle and God is still here.

And I went to a "bring your gold" party last night and made $84 off a necklace that I never wore because it pinched my skin. So that's good.

Smooches!
Laura