Hideous Bump!

For several months, there has been an area slightly to the right of my sternum and to the left of my port which has looked like swollen, raised skin.

Sometimes it looks like a bump and sometimes it doesn't. It has come and gone through the prayer at healing mass, various medications, acupuncture and energy healing.

But for the last 2 weeks it has been enormous. It is bigger than a golf ball and it hurts. It hurts when I hug people, which I do a lot, and it hurts no matter which front seat I sit in when the seatbelt is pulled. It hurts when I lie down to sleep. And it looks hideous and abnormal and scares the shit out of me. There, I said it.

Perhaps once it is gone they will find teeth and a spinal column....

Yes, the doctor is aware and asked if I was ready to radiate it. Since we've been watching it for quite some time, it was something we already discussed. However, the NP suggested I try some more guided imagery so I've been trying that for over a week. I guess I'm not very good at it because it's still there. Dammit. Why aren't I more new age? Where the hell did I put those incense sticks from college? Oh, yeah, that's right, I couldn't stand that fucking stench and didn't smoke pot in which I needed to mask the smell from my neighbors. Guess that's why I have so much cancer now.

I was trying to hold on until October 8th before taking the next step to radiation. On October 7th, I will be getting a brain and spine MRI and on October 8th I will meet with Dr. Ramakrishna to discuss the results. I was going to ask him about the hideous lump at that time.

But it's definitely time for plan B. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow and asking her to get me going toward radiation because I can't take this deformity anymore. I need some help and relief from the medical resources that are available. I'm going to ask that Dr. Shah tell Dr. Ramakrishna that she's seen it and he needs to plan whatever he needs to plan to set up radiation. I don't need another appointment with him to look at it and go, "wow, guess we should radiate that" then he takes my $50 copay. If I have to do that, I will be very pissed. Especially because Dr. Ramakrishna likes to deliver his statements to my husband, rather than me, the patient. All of this we put up with because he's very good at what he does and has been instrumental in helping save my life. I'm just saying I don't have any emotional resources left to deal with petty bullshit. I'll keep you posted, my lovelies.

Please keep sending prayers and healing thoughts. Get out your incense or anything you think might help. I would love to wake up with the lump gone and no reason to set up yet another radiation procedure.

Thank you and love to all!

Laura