True courage comes from dealing with what comes at you, not from what you seek. I'm proud of myself for overcoming a personal fear and taking on the challenge of getting to the top of Half Dome, but I drew strength and learned a thing or two about overcoming from a high school friend of mine, Laura Rhodes Goldstein. At 33, engaged to be married, she was diagnosed, out of the blue and with no family history, with stage IV breast cancer. Reading her blog, http://cancercopia.blogspot.com, I've come to deeply respect Laura and her courage to look the disease head on and to not let it stop her for a moment from living a life full of love and laughter.

Laura, I wanted to bring you to the top with me, this time in spirit, to thank you for your strength and your example. You are my definition of Super Woman.Vincit qui patitur - She who endures, conquers. Keep on fighting, friend, put this chapter of your life to rest and come hike this damn mountain with me! XXOO

Friends of Cancercopia: The above post was on Facebook from my high school friend, Laura Brandon Schulz. I am still overwhelmed that she contacted my husband (who never said a word) for a picture of me, then she prepared this inspirational sign. Then she packed all of her hiking stuff for a hike she's been planning for over a year or something like that. Then she gently tucked me in next to the gel packs and granola, I imagine. All that work to take this AWESOME picture.

Laura, I cannot ever express how much this gesture means to me. I am fighting like hell out there and trying to make sense of why this happens is useless. And then sometimes someone does or says something that makes it crystal clear about why this happened to me and all of the good that can come out of something so bad. It is my honor to have any contribution to your strength and courage and I am humbled anytime what I do affects anyone else. Thank you for reminding me that people are paying attention and rooting for me. I fight like hell for me and I fight like hell for you. I fight like hell for all of us. Cancer is messing with the wrong bitch.

You have a normal brain!!!

Hooray! I have a normal brain once again! Insert joke here!


Quick recap: As if having metastatic breast cancer wasn't scary enough, back in February 2008, the cancer moved into my brain by way of 2 brain tumors. Luckily for me, they weren't located in a place that would affect any of my normal functions, and we were able to zap those little buggers with precisely aimed radiation lasers. I had outpatient brain radiation. Awesome!

Follow-up brain mri's showed that the radiation was a success, but those 2 tumors kept showing up on the scans. We moved the mri schedule to every 2 months. With my ct, muga & bone scans still every 3 months, I can definitely glow in the dark now.

The brain specialist wanted to watch the spots on my brain closely although his feelings were that they were probably necratic (sp?) tissue, meaning dead brain tissue from the radiation. But in the last several scans, there they were-not moving or growing but still there.

As an added bonus to hearing the terrifying news that I had brain tumors, the doctor also explained that I was now in a category of people who are at risk for seizures. Are you freakin' kidding me? So I was put on meds for that. One more pill to take twice a day. Bleh.

HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS: Last Tuesday, I had a follow-up brain scan. The tumors weren't on the scan at all! They were totally gone!! The doctor said that if he didn't know my history, he would think he was looking at a normal brain. Hahahaha-I'm not normal anything. :-)

I can now stop taking the seizure meds. Yay! I don't have to come in for another mri until 4 months. Hooray!

The current chemo combo I'm on apparently crosses the brain/blood barrier and is doing its job. At any time the meds could stop and these tumors can come back. But for now, I'm celebrating my normal brain! Thank you everyone out there praying and following what's going on with me. It's working and please don't stop. I love you!

Laura

Goldstein Staycation

We are wrapping up 2 weeks of vacation time with us off of work and Jake out of school.
It has been fantastic!

A few highlights.... Zipline Safari at a place called Forever Florida. It was actually sprinkling
the day we went so we opted not to bring our camera. Talk about missed opportunity.

But it was amazing. I was terrified because I'm scared of heights but after you go the first time,
it was pretty awesome.

Then we stayed 2 glorious nights at the Portofino Hotel on Universal property. We went to Islands
of Adventure whereJake rode his first roller coaster! It was the ice side of Dueling Dragons.
He loved it so much that he went on to ride fire andThe Hulk. This was a big deal and I'm so lucky
to experience things like this with Jake.

We also went to Kennedy Space Center and Fantasy of Flight. If you've never been to Fantasy of
Flight and live in Orlando, you are missing out-that place was awesome. We also took Jake to a
show at SAK Comedy Lab - so fun to see him discover the thingswe have loved over the years.

Now it's back to reality---work and treatment, back to school and soccer season. I'm so lucky to be
here!!

Laura

It's My Birthday Month!!!

That's right people. I have a birthday month. Tra la la!!

I made it to 36 years old! Life is good. I am surrounded by people that love me and care about me and I'm grateful for each and every one of yous out there.

The new medicine has a lot less side effects than the last one so I am doing really well. I'll get scanned again in 3 months and hopefully it will also be kicking serious cancer booty. I'm just keepin' on keepin' on for now.

All is good.

Love, Laura

Life Enthusiast

Waiting for Side Effects

So, now we wait. I got an infusion of the new medicine, Navilbine, this morning. It was much shorter than the old one, but I'll have to get them more frequently. So far so good. I slept for a bit afterwards, but don't have the feeling that I was run over by a truck like I used to. So that's good.

It will be 3 weeks on, 1 week off-what a pain in the ass to try to plan things around. But I'm glad I'm still here and able to do things, don't get me wrong.

The waiting to see how the medicine affects your body and your emotions is one of the worst parts about "the cancer journey". Did I ever mention that I hate when people call it "the cancer journey". Really? Journey? Like self discovery and personal growth and all that shit? Yes, it happens but it doesn't feel as pure and spiritual when the journey was not your choice. Cancer---go journey with someone that deserves it--someone in jail for messing with little kids or someone who hacks into emails because they really could use some chemo distraction to fill the void.

Journey shmourney. Cancer's a trip!

Smooches!
Laura

Stupid Liver

Apparently, my liver is not on board with the gameplan. My liver does not realize that I am kind of a bad ass. My liver does not appreciate that the cancer is shrinking in EVERY other area of my body except there. My liver is a stubborn ass.

The brilliant, non-committal, too much of a wuss to make a decision because they are so afraid to get sued radiologist put in my CT results that instead of the two remaining lesions (that word's my favorite), there are multiple lesions. And the largest of the two previous lesions has grown an entire centimeter. Just what does multiple mean? No one can tell you. Multiple means more than one. Could be 3, could be 15, could even be 50. Lesions, lesions, lesions.

So, tomorrow I will start a new IV chemo and get off the Ironitican (yay!). Navilbene is what I start tomorrow and I will be going once a week for infusions for 3 weeks on, then have one week off. They think the side effects will be less than this last one, but we'll see. I should definitely experience fatigue and maybe hair loss again, but that depends on who you ask. When I ask each of the nurses and then the doctor, I get 3 different opinions on what will happen to my hair. It's like a mini-adventure.

So, being stable for 8 months on Ironitican/Avastin/Zometa/Tykerb combo was a very good run. Now we are looking for the same stability with Navilbene/Avastin/Zometa/Tykerb.

Lesions.

Damn you lesions!!!

Yes, sometimes I am not cheerful

The last 4 or 5 scans have been amazing! The cancer is shrinking and I am a walking miracle. They moved my schedule to chemo every 3 weeks instead of every 2 weeks which has been super awesome fantastic. I can't even tell you how great having an extra week of energy has been and how lucky I feel.

Which brings me to today.

I had a CT scan last Monday. I'm supposed to meet with Dr. Shah on Tuesday, June 16th for the results. Regularly scheduled chemo is June 17th but my doctor and I have been entertaining the thought that if this CT scan is the same good news, perhaps we could do chemo every 4 weeks. I've been praying and hoping and clinging to this! I was sure this was going to happen, people. I felt it in my soul that it was going to happen. But alas, it's not happenin'.

My boss approached me about doing a pretty big project next week and I wasn't sure I could commit with the upcoming doctor's visit and potential chemo day. So, I called yesterday to try to get my CT scans early, expecting it to be the same news it's been for months. I asked if I could skip the appointment (they are usually quick anyway) and get the news over the phone. Still sure the news was good.

Jeanie, a nurse I have never spoken to that was covering for my regular nurse, called me to say that Dr. Shah would like me to keep my doctor's appointment on Tuesday because ... and I quote ... "the lungs look better but the liver looks worse." But then Jeanie could not tell me anything else and told me that I had to talk to Dr. Shah on Tuesday. I quietly got off the phone and cried.

Then I called back and left a message asking if I could go in today for the results rather than wait until Tuesday. Then the amazing and wonderful Natalia called me back. She is Dr. Shah's medical assistant that I've known for quite some time. She had overheard Jeanie calling me and knew she was the one that needed to call me back.

Natalia said that Dr. Shah is out of town both days and that I have to wait until Tuesday to see her. She said that yes, that was how the scan went, but not to worry because Dr. Shah would have a plan. She called it a minor setback and encouraged me to try to have a little fun this weekend to keep my mind off of it for now.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm working and I have to work this Sunday. I'm battling to push the dark thoughts and fears out and sometimes that goes moment by moment. It doesn't help that we lost 2 women in my Mets support group this past week. Crappy timing for a bad scan.

But hey-I'm not in charge and never have been. I'm a walking miracle and God is still here.

And I went to a "bring your gold" party last night and made $84 off a necklace that I never wore because it pinched my skin. So that's good.

Smooches!
Laura