Team Laurapalooza Time!

Click on the Team Laurapalooza text above to see all about Team Laurapalooza at this year's American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k walk.

This year's walk is Saturday, October 23, 2010. It starts at 8am and Laurapalooza will be meeting at 7am so we can do our best to get a team picture and stay together through the thousands and thousands of people. We will meet to the left of the stage where the musicians are performing-if you are looking at the stage, walk to your left.

Another great thing about this 5k is that it is non-competitive. No one will be recording anyone's times and lots of people show up with babies in strollers and dogs on leases. I think my mother-in-law will be coming out in her wheelchair again!

You can join the team online and fundraise for the team, or you can just show up and walk. I am always overwhelmed by the amazing people that come to walk with me and show their support. Thank you for all team members past and present!!

And remember Team Laurapalooza's motto: Fuck Awareness! Find A Cure!!!

Muchos Smoochos!

Rockstar Scans!!

I'd like to share this awesome graph and lots of good news with my cancercopia family. Go with the image posted sideways. I can't figure out how to turn it because I have no patience.

This is a graph of one of two tumor marker tests. This graph shows the last three years of my treatment. Tumor marker tests are blood tests that indicate the number of tumors that are circulating in your body because the cancer cells read differently then normal cells... something like that. That's my unsophisticated interpretation of what's a lot more scientific. All I know is that it's great when they go down and really sucks when they go up.

Last January, this 27-29 test registered my tumor markers at 1400. 1400!!! Now they are 90. That is amazing. (A person without cancer is probably around 33) Holy shit!!! Can you believe it went up so high and is now so low. We are so excited!!!

The other test is the CEA and it went up to 775 in January and is now 64 (normal people are around 5). That is also amazing.

This current chemo plan is working!!! Hooray!!

CT scan was excellent. That is the 1st good CT I've had in a very long time. CT showed that cancer on both lungs and liver is going down. Before, the whole left lobe of my liver was covered and that cancer shrank significantly. There is one tumor on my right lobe that got bigger, and they'll watch it, but overall great scan. The radiologist actually used the words "considerable resolution" which has never happened. I was sobbing on and off for a week! I got the CT on a Monday and the nurse called me at 8AM on Tuesday to give me the good news. Once I got passed freaking out because she was calling me (usually means something really bad) it was a total love fest.

Bone scan was stable. There is a suspicious area around T5 but we'll take a look at that on the next scan. They aren't worried because I am not having any pain. Stable is good.

Brain MRI was clear. No active brain tumors, just pictures of radiated tissue past and even a couple of those got a bit smaller. Awesome!

Thanks for all the prayers and support. Please don't stop!

Love you all!

Laura

Vacation Feels So Good!!

The term this is your "new normal" always annoys me. Ok, pisses me off. I never asked for cancer and I don't like having a different normal from anyone else. Personally, I think the term is used better describing prison inmates. Here's what you get for killing and raping-welcome to your new normal and now rot to death. You screwed up and a "new normal" is your consequences.

I want to be able to do things that everyone else can do. So that's why we plan vacations and trips and fun times. That's what everyone does! So cancer, shove your "new normal" up your ass.

We are currently on an amazing road trip. The Goldstein trio drove to Georgia and stayed at the New Perry Hotel in Perry, GA our first night. Richard remembered this as a much more charming place to stay in years past and we got a big heap of local flavah with this one. The room was nice but the pool was green and the restaurant never opened for business. But we did eat at a heavenly southern place around the corner and the fried green tomatoes alone were well worth the trip.

Then we went to Six Flags Over Georgia. I used my handicapped placard for front row parking-yeah bitches but we paid full price to get in, which kills me because EVERYONE there had coupons or coke cans or something. Then we got an ECV (electronic convenience vehicle for those of you that don't know) so I wouldn't have to walk the park. Riding and conserving energy allowed me to ride as many roller coasters as possible. Yes, it's quite entertaining to roll up on your electrice wheelchair to the exit and get seated on a huge ass roller coaster, but fuck that. I'm here to ride some rides, bitches, and if I had to stand in line or walk a lot, we'd have to leave after 30 minutes. The Goldsteins were able to ride 8 roller coasters that day! It felt so good to get on there and scream my head off and experience the thrills with my family. It just feels good to be able to hang, ECV or not.

Then we went to visit our friend, Jennifer, in Cary, NC. The Lego Summer Tour happened to be in town and we got to stop there and see Lego things for Jake. We thought they would be throwing out swag like a real concert but in order to win prizes you had to sign your family up and participate in games onstage. The only open slot was 4 hours from when we arrived and that just wasn't happening, so the nice Lego employee gave Jake a cool keychain and we were on our way. We hit Trader Joes' before leaving town, of course, and I believe Jennifer and Trey might be new TJ converts--that is, if I did my job the right way. The highlight of our visit was meeting Bubba Dog face to face--what an amazing and awesome dog!

Then we met John and Devon in Williamsburg, Virginia. All of us went to Busch Gardens the next day with my friend from FSU, Lee, and his wife, Kim, and their kids. It was an amazing time. Another ECV and more roller coasters. Awesome.

The next day we went to Colonial Williamsburg. How cool to be able to step back in time and be back in the 1700s. I thought they were all actors there in costume but the trades are performed by real experts and all the stuff they make on site is used. It was amazing. Jake got to play a harpsichord and was awesome. He also brought his guitar on the trip and has been playing some amazing stuff for us.

Now here's where the "new normal" bullshit creeps in. The next day we were all packed up in the hotel and getting ready to go to Monticello 2 hours away in Charlottesville. At the free continental breaky in the hotel lobby I got a nosebleed that would not stop. This has never happened to me before but one of the chemos I am on can totally affect the vascular system and cause nosebleeds. After an hour of not stopping, we called the doctor in Florida. The nurse called back and said I had to go to the emergency room so the Williamsburg doctors could check my platelets. If they are low, maybe I need to get some platelets. So, shit, we had to drag the kids to the hospital-- tra la la.

The hospital in Williamsburg was awesome and took great care of me. Short version of story--doctor shoved a large cotton thing up my nose and then used a syringe to shoot saline up there so it would puff up like an enormous tampon. It actually had a string attached to it which she taped to my face. The nurse took blood from my port without any numbing cream or spray but she did say "big ouch" just before puncturing my skin with the large needle. The bloodwork came back great. The platelets were 79, higher than they've been the last few times I was in for chemo, which we had to skip. (This has given me good energy for the trip methinks) So we're getting ready to go and the doctor says she wants me to keep the face tampon in for 48 hours and when I get to Charlottesville, go to that hospital and have them take it out and shoot more saline in my nose. Hmmm... I don't think so. I was not about to walk around Thomas Jefferson's house with a big tampon in my face. Not to mention that my copay for an ER visit is $200. So we asked her to take it out there which she did. I've had a few minor nosebleeds since, but they all have stopped pretty quickly. Yay the body that heals.

This hospital fun didn't put us too far off our schedule, but since TJ's house closes at 5pm we drove to Charlottesville but went to Monticello the next morning. John and Devon left after that instead of going on with us to Shenandoah National Park.

Monticello was such a fond memory of mine growing up and I was so excited to go there with Richard and Jake and it was so cool to have John and Devon there too. This trip does make me miss my dad since driving around Virginia and historical sites was definitely his territory. I'm sure he is watching us with a big goofy grin of approval.

Shenandoah National Park was amazing. We saw deer running wild everywhere and bought a lot of stuff at the gift shop we probably won't ever use, but hey, we're supporting park preservation, no?

I am now writing this update from the library in Rehoboth, Delaware. We are visiting my cousin Dawn and her husband George and their awesome dog Smax at their beach cottage. It is awesome and definitely time for us to rest and relax at the beach and enjoy being with each other and Dawn and George. It is absolutely gorgeous here and I am so grateful for every moment.

We'll be back at home in a few days returning to our old normal from a new vacation normal... does that make my new normal an old normal with a twist? I'm very confused about what normal is really supposed to feel like.

I don't think anyone can say what is supposed to be normal for anyone else. You just take life as it comes and do best you can. That's all you can do. For now, I will enjoy this time and this trip and be as grateful as can be. Sorry if it reads a little like a family Christmas letter in July... I'm grateful for everything--especially you if you're reading this.

Keep praying and sending good thoughts--look at all of the things you are helping me get to do!

Love you!
Laura

It's My Birthdaaaaaaay!

It's my birthday month, my birthday month.... tra la la la la, it's my birthday month....

This is the song I sing to myself and my poor family every year. I don't get just one day or one week to celebrate the fabulous day I was born, I get a whole month. Dammit.

I turned 37 today. Last weekend we had our annual BBQ extravaganza with lots of people, food, drinks and fun and togetherness and that was the party. This weekend is about relaxing and feels very nice.

I am so grateful to be having another birthday. I don't mean to sound morbid or make anyone uncomfortable because I know my cheering section is full of "what are you saying? you are going to have a lot more birthdays" and yes, I would agree with you. I'm not disputing that. But something has to be said about just pausing and really taking it all in.

I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer at the age of 33. Growing up, hearing about that would have been followed by a death sentence. At no time has my doctor given me any projections or evaulations of time in my prognosis. She insists that I am not a statistic and stage IV is now considered a chronic disease rather than a terminal one. I am happy to fully support her statement and be literally living proof of it.

But there are still women dying all the time of stage IV breast cancer. So will I or won't I? Who the hell knows? I just take one day at a time and enjoy the shit out of my life and those around me. Isn't that what we are all supposed to do? I just love my life and can't worry about when it's going to happen. I continue to meet stage IV survivors that are 5 years out, 10 years out and every once in awhile you hear about many more than 10 years out. If I'm going to think I might die like other women in 1 or 2 years, it would be so unfair not to stretch the fantasy to include the possibility of being like the women who are 10 years out. So I try to keep my mind in the place of possibilities. And in the present.

On today's birth anniversary, I reflect on surviving for 4 years after diagnosis. That is just simply awesome. Especially because I have had metastatic disease in every possible place it can travel: brain, liver, lungs, bones and soft tissue. And here I am. Holy shit. Thank you God for letting me enjoy myself and my family and friends and for being able to express this gratitude to them through this blog. I hope they all know that I could not make it through one day of treatment without them.

Let's recap some recent miracles. My brain is stable and the spots they were watching are actually getting smaller. Last week we saw the doctor and she gave me a graph of my tumor markers over the last year. The numbers are dropping SIGNIFICANTLY now -you should see that damn graph. It peaks in January at some horrid number like 1500 and takes a straight drop down to somewhere around 100/150. Holy shit again. The doctor, nurses and I are doing crazy random happy dances all the time now. We are very encouraged that the current chemo is doing it's job. Yay Carboplatin/Avastin/Tykerb/Herceptin/Zometa. Thrice I say holy shit. If it keeps working and I tolerate it well, I could be on it for many months or even many years... all the while hoping for the next big thing to be discovered. That is what treatment is like for me. And it's all good. Very good. Hopefully I'll pull it together and scan in the graph so you can see it and post it here. Then you can see the joy of all the time the medicine is buying me and all of the blessings I get to experience every single day. If you are reading this, you are definitely one of my miracles, thank you.

As grateful as I am to be having this birthday, I wish I could say that the declaration of the "birthday month" was something that came after the cancer diagnosis and that I've earned it after having to take shitty chemo and go through all this inconvenience and fatigue and cancer bullshit. But alas, I subjected everyone to my birthday month well before cancer because I'm really at my core a selfish little bitch and everything is about me. I'm not proud. I am so grateful for this chance to be myself. It's my birthday month, my birthday month. Tra la la la la, my birthday month!

Muchos smoochos!

Laura

Now My Spine Glows In The Dark, Too!

Last Friday I had radiation on my spine. It took place on Lumbar 4 in my lower back. Previously, I was trying to spare you all of the agitating details of the day to day hospital visits but now you might be a little left out. I'm sorry for that.

I'll try to sum up. Dr. Ramakrishna suggested we do stereotactic radiosurgery on this vertebrae. It is much like what I've done on the brain in regards to it being only one treatment, one visit and it's done. He told me compared to the brain stuff I've done it would be a piece of cake. I said sign me up.

Then I showed up for an information session with a nurse getting me ready for the procedure. She started explaining that I was to get 5 days of standard radiation treatment and went over what to expect and the side effects. I told her the doctor told me it was to be one sterotactic treatment. She went to ask him for me. She came back and said the doctor said he told me I may get up to 5 treatments. Sure he did. I'm just the stupid patient, what do I know? Whatever works, let's just get to it.

Did I mention that I got my first tattoo? Well, tattoos plural. When you are getting multiple radiation treatments, the hospital puts tattoos on you so they don't have to re-align you and the machine every time you come in. There are three pinpoint tattoo marks on my body for my alignment. I went in for my tattoos before I went in for my information session with the nurse because that's how the schedule fell. How efficient to lie on a machine and get tattoos for a procedure in which you know nothing about.

After the information session with the nurse, she told me if "they" didn't call me within 7 days with the schedule for my first radiation to call in to the hospital and find out myself. I lasted 6 days before I couldn't stand it anymore. I was there last Wednesday for chemo and stopped by radiology to see what I could find out. They didn't know but called me later that afternoon. Can you come in this Friday for your stereotactic treatment? So, I'm only having one day of treatment? Yes. Ok, I'll be there. Whatever works.

Friday came and it was relatively easy. Well, the night before, I accidentally ripped the flesh off around one of the tattoos from the sticker that was protecting it. The tech, Bernadette, (who has been there for all my brain stuff and is awesome) thanked me for keeping my raw red skin in such a perfect circle so they could still line me up properly. Anything I can do to help.

I checked in at 11:30 am and they took me back at 11:40. They lined me right up, the doctor came in and said hello and suggested I just meditate or fall asleep and assured me he had a really nice treatment plan for me. I wonder how many times he's been able to sleep on a treatment table. They put The Temptations on the radio at my request and off we went.

I do have to brag about what a good patient I am in these situations. Small victories people. For 40 minutes I lied there with both arms over my head. They told me to try not to move because then they have to come in and re-align everything. I did not move, not one millimeter the entire time. I thought the techs were going to have a happy heart attack or something. Apparently, everyone moves. When we reached the halfway point, Bernadette came giddily over the speaker and asked if we could keep going instead of giving me a break. I told her my left arm was completely asleep, but what the heck, let's push on. I just lied there and Zen'd out--me, my spine, the tumors and the radiation-synchronicity baby.

I had no exit interview after the treatment and no one prepared me for what to expect after the stereotactic procedure. Thanks for lying so still! Have a great day. See ya! Luckily another girl told me she got diarrhea so I had that to look forward to.

My family and I went out to lunch but within the hour my body completely crashed. I went to sleep for the rest of the day and all of the night. This night was particularly tough because I also happened to have a UTI and a problem with hemmorhoids-all side effects from chemo. Friday night accumulated with absolutely no energy to stand, burning when I urinated and blood with every painful bowel movement. Then, as told, diarrhea started because the radiation hit that area of my body-what fun! We finally got the right antibiotic for the UTI and some meds for the hemmorhoids and all is well. Anyone that has ever been in a support group with cancer patients that have been in treatment for a long time could probably write a novel about poop problems. Personally, I've declared myself the Mayor of Poop Town. It's just one of those amazingly awesome things nobody tells you about when they welcome you to the cancer club. You just have to discover it on your own. But if you need the Mayor for advice, I'd be happy to hold a ribbon cutting ceremony and formally welcome you to Poop Town.

I spent most of the weekend resting and sleeping-thank God for the World Cup games. My energy level is still low but the other physical problems have subsided. I'll be back to my regular chemo routine Wednesday but for now I'm getting a bit of a break from the big stuff. No brain treatments, spine treatments or anything else outside the box. My next scans will take place the first week of August. I am super hopeful this medicine is working and the August scans will bring good news. Please keep praying that this will happen. I need every single one of those prayers.

Love you all!

Muchos Smoochos!

Laura

Finally Some Good News!

My brain mri results were excellent! Brain looks good.

The new spot they were watching to see if it was another tumor got SMALLER! Just let that one sink in for a moment. Overall, multiple spots they were watching got SMALLER as well. After months and months of shitty news, this is nothing short of miraculous.

I probably would have tongue kissed the radiation oncologist if he wasn't such a cocky guy. Well, and Richard wasn't such a much better choice to kiss. Dr. Ramakrishna came in and said, the brain looks good. I asked him about the new spot he said it got smaller. He said we don't have to do anything with your brain right now. Then he went on to talk about my spine, breezing over all that wonderful brain news. But didn't he know I wanted to lunge at him off the chair with the paper runner and shake him while screaming and crying----yeah! Fuck yeah! Get those fuckers! Yeah! Nothing more with your brain right now!

But I didn't. I sat there and smiled and felt the weight slide off of my neck, back and head. When I got into my car alone (Richard and I drove separately to the appointment) I was screaming and laughing at the top of my lungs. God bless all the other drivers on the road that acted like they weren't driving next to a crazy person. Ahahaahaaaaaaa! Mother fucking cancer-take that!

Back to the doctor's office--then we talked about my spine. Lumbar 4 needs radiation as it is covered in tumors. Dr. Ramakrishna ordered another mri of the spine to compare it to the last one and said we'd proceed with either one sterotactic treatment or 10 standard treatments. I'll skip all the bureaucratic bullshit and telling all my tales over the last few days of the left hand not talking to the right hand-quite frankly, I'm getting tired of talking about navigating through all the ridiculousity that goes on at a hospital.

Cutting to the chase... I am slated to have 5 standard radiation treatments on lumbar 4-yes, that's different from what the dr. originally said, but remember, I'm skipping all that bullshit. The treatment will be 5 days in a row for about 15-20 minutes a day. Then I'll be done. I'm told the only side effects will be fatigue and maybe some diarrhea. Ah, more poop problems... a topic for another time.

The radiation on my spine should be a piece of cake compared with what I've been through with the brain. I should be getting a call within the next 7 days letting me know when to come in and meet my radiation technician. Then I'll know the exact schedule.

I've been having some pain in that area. It's sporadic, but it's getting worse. Whenever I lie down a certain way and get up it hurts. After the radiation, that should all go away. This will also be great for our family road trip at the end of July-all that sitting and driving. Wheeee!

After the radiation, my next CT, bone & heart scans will be the first week of August. Ah, for now, it's just nice to get a bit of a break and get back to the routine called life.

I'm very hopeful that this current combo of chemo is kicking some serious ass. For now, I'm feeling good, living life and laughing a lot. Thank you all for you love, support and prayers.

Rock!

No Parking On The Dance Floor

I got a disabled parking placard.

I dragged my feet on this for a long time and only a few people even knew I was even considering it. I mean, I look perfectly fine and I have energy to be able to work full-time and still do normal family things like everyone else. I don't want to take any spots away from people that are in wheelchairs, crutches, and what not. But I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just need it.

On and around chemo days, I feel so run down that it's all I can do to run just one or two errands that we need. I didn't want to admit that I needed the placard. That would be admitting that I'm actually sick and I hardly ever feel sick, for crying out loud. Unless it's walking around a theme park... and that's only once in awhile so I could just act like all is normal and be like everyone else.

But I'm not like everyone else. I have to take poison once a week and take naps and plan my energy for activities in advance. I have to say no to a lot of things I'm invited to because I know I just won't have the energy to do it. People, that just sucks.

So don't judge me. I want it both ways-I want my cake and yes, I would like to eat the whole thing too. I refuse to be referred to as the "sick" girl but if you see me getting out of a disabled spot there is a good reason. I don't give a shit what strangers think-they'll give me dirty looks no matter what, but my friends should know I have good reason to use the placard. I won't abuse it, really. But if you'd like to invite me to large scale concerts or sporting events, let's use it! Dang, I just gotta check my energy level first. :-)

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Brain MRI results with Dr. Ramakrishna tomorrow. We'll talk about the brain and when to radiate the vertebrae located at L4. Fun times. More updates soon. Tra la la!